Um, yeah. This is a really fun, light-hearted topic. Makes me wish I could share my dryer lint or play the "what's in my frig and what's way ready to be pitched" game.
While I have been hurt recently by someone I am close to, I don't feel that letter is appropriate to post publicly. Nor would a letter to someone that broke my heart. Instead, I will write a letter to myself. Read and see why.
Dear Me,
I stumbled upon some journals from my college days (eek!) and one thing that surprised me most was this: I have been, and am still, my own worst critic.
I am sorry, self, for the following actions:
1. Detailed analysis of my perceived faults, flaws, and imperfections.
2. Brutal haranguing and belittlement of self for not looking or being "good enough."
3. Incessant resolution- and goal-setting without any realistic or viable plan of action.
From reading these old scribbles it is evident I have changed much since those days, yet I still have some work to do.
And while I fear that I am unconsciously passing down this perfectionism problem to my children, I can be sure of these things:
1. I do model a flexible, understanding, and kind approach to my kids and their lives.
2. I cannot change who they are--that's God's work--but I can live the life I want them to
emulate.
3. I can also viruently combat the warped messages of what people "should" be that batter
them daily from the media, classmates, and others.
I regret spending so much time analyzing myself in the past, but I guess in those self-absorbed days one has time for such things. Today my time for reflection and analysis is present, albeit limited. But I do know I am much more forgiving and accepting of the imperfect in myself as my kids and my current naturally flawed life demand this attitude of me.
I now know, "It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to get done," and "Progress, not perfection," are a smarter, less frustrating way to mosey through most of this world. And, so long as I am striving for excellence, I will achieve my goals and teach my kids an importance lesson along the way.
This started as a letter to someone that had hurt me (Me!), but it is also a thank you. Without finding those archived journals I would be less aware of the progress I have made. It also helpd me to appreciate the person I have become. Thanks, Me.
Love,
Me
While I have been hurt recently by someone I am close to, I don't feel that letter is appropriate to post publicly. Nor would a letter to someone that broke my heart. Instead, I will write a letter to myself. Read and see why.
Dear Me,
I stumbled upon some journals from my college days (eek!) and one thing that surprised me most was this: I have been, and am still, my own worst critic.
I am sorry, self, for the following actions:
1. Detailed analysis of my perceived faults, flaws, and imperfections.
2. Brutal haranguing and belittlement of self for not looking or being "good enough."
3. Incessant resolution- and goal-setting without any realistic or viable plan of action.
From reading these old scribbles it is evident I have changed much since those days, yet I still have some work to do.
And while I fear that I am unconsciously passing down this perfectionism problem to my children, I can be sure of these things:
1. I do model a flexible, understanding, and kind approach to my kids and their lives.
2. I cannot change who they are--that's God's work--but I can live the life I want them to
emulate.
3. I can also viruently combat the warped messages of what people "should" be that batter
them daily from the media, classmates, and others.
I regret spending so much time analyzing myself in the past, but I guess in those self-absorbed days one has time for such things. Today my time for reflection and analysis is present, albeit limited. But I do know I am much more forgiving and accepting of the imperfect in myself as my kids and my current naturally flawed life demand this attitude of me.
I now know, "It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to get done," and "Progress, not perfection," are a smarter, less frustrating way to mosey through most of this world. And, so long as I am striving for excellence, I will achieve my goals and teach my kids an importance lesson along the way.
This started as a letter to someone that had hurt me (Me!), but it is also a thank you. Without finding those archived journals I would be less aware of the progress I have made. It also helpd me to appreciate the person I have become. Thanks, Me.
Love,
Me
Sandra, I'm totally touched! This is a beautiful letter, also very representative for our age, I think ... I, too, have been guilty - especially in my college years - of being my own worst enemy. Someone who's always whispering criticism in your ear, who puts you down, who doesn't like anything about you. When I see pictures today of those days, I see how negative I have been towards myself, and it makes me sooo sad for the lost years.
ReplyDeleteSo, yay for age, yay for wrinkles and loose skin and cellulitis and grey hairs. Yay, for being over 40! Yay for being a mum, and being able to forgive my own mum after all those years.
It's been a rocky path, I'm glad it's behind me and in the past. I know there's more hurdles to overcome, but now I'm well armed to handle those. NOTHING will beat me down, least of all myself. I'm finally walking ALONGSIDE myself, no longer trying to make me stumble and fall!
(Oops, that became a bit long. Just goes to show that you really touched a string here ... ;-). Thank you, my dear friend!)
Thank you so much, Jotje! A big yay for letting the past stay there, enjoying this awesome, busy present day life, and looking forward to more happy years in the future. Good for you on becoming the strong woman you (me) always were. She (we) just had to step up and be heard! Less regret, and more appreciation for ourselves--no time for that negativity. Life is too short! Take care. :) xx
ReplyDeletekanalt--Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYour post makes perfect sense to me (um, there's that word again). There are literally thousands of articles and such, I think, about perfectionism, self-esteem, self-worth, inner critic, outer critic, etc. I bet you could research and read the rest about this topic for the rest of your days, but reading only helped me so much.
The turning point for me was simply accepting who I was and am regardless of my flaws. I'm the only me I'll get. This wasn't "love" but a tolerance. I was never a "I love myself!" kind of person.
And, not to recommend children as a cure for anything, but I know that particular life decision affected every area of personhood in some way or another. I would think one could reach the "I'm just going to be more ok with things and less of a perfectionist" in good time, with or without kids.
It's still amazing, for now at least, how my progeny love me for who I am and not who I was or who I will be or who I want to be. Maybe you need to get a dog? :)
I am just about to start some reading on the topic (and maybe do a blog post or two), so I'll let you know if I find anything special. I am s.l.o.w.l.y. getting to where things are "good enough" rather than "perfect." (Yes, I AM the type of person who can leave laundry in the dryer for 3 days before folding it.)
ReplyDeleteThank you for not saying that having children would cure all. If you were to ask the many grandmothers I work with, they would tell you that having kids is my sole purpose in life. I have been told many times that they're worth it, that they'll change my life and viewpoint, how i see the world, etc. I don't doubt any of that - I'm an aunt, I see how much things change, and I can totally appreciate that. Right now, though, I'm trying to get myself to a place where my bad habits/thoughts won't rub off onto to anyone else, and until I'm comfortable with that, I'm not having kids. Plus, I'm still just not emotionally ready (maybe for the above reason). Maybe someday I'll get there. It's funny because in some ways I'm afraid to have kids, but I also know that having them would force me to let go of some of those fears. Ah, the catch-22s in life...
I do like the dog idea, but as with the kids, I need to wait until I move out of the condo and into a house. If only I could win the lottery. ;)
@Kanalt
ReplyDeleteWhen I had kids, a friend gave me some really good advice "Just remember, you're going to screw them up somehow, no matter what". Nobody is perfect, and kids aren't either.
No, they're not a cure all, and motherhood is REALLY HARD. But also, the joy and the love and the sweet (and bittersweet) moments are the BEST. thing. EVER. :D xx
This is such an excellent post, and everybody's comments are spot on. I am harder on myself than on anyone else. Some days I catch myself in my incessant negative self-talk and have to really put it all in perspective. Now when I look back at my past self and realize I was doing just fine, I have to remind myself that my RIGHT NOW self is doing JUST FINE too!!
ReplyDelete